Need these little beauties from Urban Outfitters in my life. I can't decide which colour though, and at £110 a pair I can't afford both! Daaaaaymn.

Well my lovely, little, blogging friends. It has most definitely been a while! And my oh my how so much has changed! I just looked through all my drafts for this blog that I never actually got round to posting as I felt they were a little too personal, but I now really wish I had kept you all updated! Never have I found a year as utterly challenging and emotional, yet so inspiring and accomplishing as this. I have learnt more in this last year than I ever did in any of the 18 prior to it. As totally cliche as it sounds 2011 has definitely been the making of me! It isn't even over yet! My confidence has soared and I have never felt so sure of where I want to be in life and so determined to get there! And my god have I had a hell of a lot of fun along the way! But for now I seriously urge you all to watch this space cause its gonna be good! Promise!

London

I took a little trip to London a couple of weeks ago now to go and see Les Miserables. I have never been one for musicals but I can honestly say it was simply stunning and completely took my breath away. I definitely fell in love that day and I would recommend it to all!
On another not here is a few images I manages to get throughout the day.
Enjoy.

Tobias.

 

 Pretty poor quality due to my scanner being a wanker but basically these our my five final pieces for the exhibition tomorrow. I chose to document Toby for a week as he is my greatest source of inspiration and my main influence for what I do. 

Shot and developed by me.

Scream it to the nothingness.

So finally my Internet is fixed after what seems like forever! It has in fact only been one week but there isn't really a great deal to do around here so time has been going rather slowly. I have spent the best part of the last week stuck in a dark room desperately trying to get my prints finished for our exhibition on Tuesday. I only just managed to get it all done and I am rather sad to admit the hard work recently has been making me loathe something I know deep down I love! I do not like this sudden change of events and I am really, really hoping my mind gets changed rather quickly as I have some big decisions to be making in a weeks time! Just a shame I always seem to be a bit stuck in my ways. We shall have to wait and see. I have so much I need to accomplish right now and I am finding it so much more appealing to sit here fantasizing about my future instead. It is a lot easier than facing present situations! Its all okay though cause I've promised myself tomorrow will be a much more productive day. My sense of security has been running a bit low recently which I hate! I hate feeling vulnerable, that's when all my insecurities come pouring out and I seem to be rather sadly getting lost in them again. In other news we have been blessed with some truly beautiful weather recently and I have been loving it! Its nice being able to get out and about with Tobias and do different things like go to the park, visit a farm, feed some ducks or even just take him for a ride on his tricycle. It makes me really miss being a kid watching his little carefree self soak up the sun without a care in the world. 

Inspiration.

With your eyes wide open

As of today I am putting a few changes in to place. I just need to decide on a plan of action as I appear to be floundering a little at the minute. I have some real big plans, both education and life wise, in this little head of mine right now that I need to make happen! I just need to be realistic about things. The only problem is I'm not exactly a realist now am I?! My mind is always getting carried away in unimaginable dreams and fantasies. I guess that's a good thing though, having dreams just means you're always going to be working/trying that little bit harder in a feeble attempt to make them happen. Its the first time in a long time Ive felt like I'm actually going anywhere so I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I guess I'm just excited at the prospect of perhaps finding a new direction in life and getting away from this place.

Gaga for I-D magazine.

We sink so far down.

Massive creative block going on and it really is making me miserable now. I'm fed up of creating myself unachievable goals and having to go through that horrible feeling of disappointment every time I don't make them. I don't even know why its bothering me so much. Though its not really bothering me, its just so frustrating! I have all the thoughts in my head I just can't get them across or make them work! You know that feeling where you're bashing your head against a brick wall repeatedly? Well yes basically. I think its about time I realized I can't do everything alone. One of the downfalls of being a stubborn little mare is I'm constantly too proud to ask for help though! Gahhhh.
In other news I currently have a right little cocktail of emotions swimming around in my head. Relief, amusement, fear, sadness, fear, delight, fear, anger, fear, happiness, fear, fear, fear! For someone who isn't scared of much I'm feeling an awful amount of fear right now! I'd love to know where this has all sprung up from, I just can't seem to get to the root of it. I guess you can't blame me for expecting the worst with the last few weeks I've had. Though is that really an excuse? I think my biggest problem is that anytime a tiny bit of good comes into my life my immediate thought is 'whats the catch?' and you really can't blame me with my bloody history! Its not like I've even had a particularly large amount of unfortunate luck. I just seem to be set in this mind frame that if I expect the worst I wont be disappointed. Cause you see that's what I'm scared of, that this new found happiness is going to go away. The thing is though with all this fucking 'fear' floating about I'm not even getting a chance to enjoy the happiness! Sort it out Brumbers, sort it out!